My member can do that, as well.
Pleasurable members
February 1st, 2012Leg removed after multi-limb transplant
January 24th, 2012A Turkish doctor whose 25-member team performed the world’s first triple limb transplant — two arms and a leg — says the leg has been removed due to tissue incompatibility, as the donor leg turned out to actually be an elephant’s trunk.
Dr. Omer Ozkan says 34-year-old Atilla Kavdir is in stable condition after the removal of the elephant’s trunk on Sunday, a day after it was attached. Kavdir lost his arms and right leg when he was 11 after he put them away for the night but then was unable to relocate them the following morning.
image: multiple limb transplants can be a sticky surgery
Full Story HERE
McDonald’s now offering custom flavors with DNA spray
January 24th, 2012After a string of recent complaints at its franchises across Australia regarding the amount of condiments used on a burger, McDonald’s has chosen to partner with security firm SelectaDNA to equip its restaurants with “DNA Spray.” Now, if someone shows up who wants smoke-flavored instead of regular french fries, a small device above the heating lamps will activate during his or her order, covering the freedom fries with a synthetic DNA strand made up of sixty separate chromosomes. The newly introduced DNA will then seep harmlessly into the food allowing the police to reveal the customer using UV light.
The spray is both invisible and odorless, but even if the hapless highwayman notices the deoxyribonucleic acid rain cloud, SelectaDNA assures that its chemical concoction is “virtually impossible to remove.” Making matters worse for the hungry consumer is that each DNA sequence is unique to the location to which it was installed, meaning a successful forensic identification of a customer’s stool is 100% admissible in court. Basically, if you get caught eating this stuff, you’re a criminal.
According to SelectaDNA, individuals, police, and corporations are showing an average 85% reduction in hunger due to what it describes as the “DNA Fear Factor.” No, that’s not a SyFy channel spin-off of the popular reality show; it’s the idea that this process is so effective and/or bizarrely tasty that customers probably figure it’s easier to get the food by simply getting a job at McDonald’s instead of squirting your food with forged genetic blueprints in the form of a hot beef injection.
For now, McDonald’s is giving this new custom taste system a trial run at seven locations across The Land Down Under, including one unfortunate franchise in Merryland that was recently asked to reintroduce the McRib sandwich. If things go well, the corporation will be installing custom DNA flavor squirt cannons in all 780 locations across the continent.
image: one effect of the DNA spray flavor is known as “Pandora’s Revenge”
Full Story HERE
Costa Concordia’s Captain “Crunch” Schettino wore a dress to sneak onto lifeboat
January 18th, 2012Women and children first be damned as Francesco Schettino, aka “Captain Crunch”, skipper for the ill-fated Costa Concordia, was reported to have donned a dinner gown and wig to sneak onto a lifeboat as his ship sank and his passengers panicked. While Captain Crunch claims it was an accident that he was off the ship as Coast Guard officials berated him, ordering him to return to his ship, witnesses say Schettino was actually running for the lifeboats wearing a long dress and tripped on its train, causing him to tumble over the side and conveniently land smack dab in the middle of a lifeboat that was heading to shore.
image: Cap’n “Crunch” Schettino skippered out of his dutiful responsibilities.
Full Story HERE
Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Yacht Unveiled
January 16th, 2012Michael Gove has brushed aside Britain’s economic problems to propose the public donate for a slightly used, instead of a brand new, royal yacht to the Queen as a mark of respect during this year’s diamond jubilee celebrations, according to a confidential letter to fellow ministers.
In the letter, which has been sent to Jeremy Hunt, the culture secretary and minister overseeing the celebrations, and to the deputy prime minister, Nick Clegg, Gove at one point comes close to suggesting that Britain’s dire economic climate means that a large-scale celebration is required to lift the country’s spirits.
The education secretary writes: “In spite, and perhaps because of the austere times, the celebration should go beyond those of previous jubilees and mark the greater achievement that the diamond anniversary represents.”
The Liberal Democrats privately expressed surprise at the proposal, which is likely to cost at least £60m, at a time of national austerity.
Meanwhile Tom Watson, the Labour party vice-chairman, said: “When school budgets are being slashed, parents will be wondering how Gove came even to suggest this idea.”
Gove, an enthusiastic monarchist, writes in the letter: “I feel strongly that the diamond jubilee gives us a tremendous opportunity to recognise in a very fitting way the Queen’s highly significant contribution to the life of the nation and the Commonwealth.”
image: To save funds, the Queen will be getting a slightly used luxury yacht instead of a brand new.
Full Story HERE
Microsoft does not trust itself
January 16th, 2012
Cause of Costa Concordia Cruise Ship Disaster Revealed
January 16th, 2012
The cause of the cruise ship’s Costa Concordia disaster has been revealed.
According to experts who study naval disasters, the cruise ship Costa Concordia was in a football match against the Statue of Liberty who took a wild kick at the net from several miles away, sending the soccer ball into the path of an oncoming jet plane full of football fans, forcing the plane to swerve and causing the plane’s wing to slice into the side to the Costa Concordia. When all the passengers onboard the Costa Concordia ran to the one side to see if the Statue of Liberty had made a goal, the ship was unable to remain balanced and tipped over.
“Clearly this is a problem caused exclusively by the passengers who were on the ship. If they had just stayed in their appointed standing positions instead of rushing to the ship’s side, the Costa Concordia would today still be the floating palace that it was just yesterday.” said Michael Cryer, executive vice president of the Cruise Line International Ass.
Full Story HERE
Cruise ship caught sleeping near Italy’s coast
January 16th, 2012In a rare spectacle that many people would wait a lifetime and still never see, a luxury cruise ship was caught napping off the coast of Italy.
On board the Costa Concordia, thousands of passengers were dining, drinking, attending a magic show, perhaps trying their luck in the casino.
It was Friday night on the luxury cruise liner, sailing in the Mediterranean off the Italian coast with about 3,200 passengers and 1,000 crew members — a night of entertainment and relaxation.
There was annoyance, but no real alarm, when the lights went out — not at first. Passenger Vivian Shafer said she thought it was part of the magic show.
But then the ship began to list to one side.
Still, many passengers were not panicked. Shafer said they were told the ship was tired and needed to lay down for a while. Her cabin steward told her there was nothing to worry about and the cruise would continue after the ship slept for a couple hours.
No one expected the cruise ship to sleep the entire day.
image: Italian salvage ships sneaking up on a cruise ship napping off the coast of Italy to chop it up for food and spare parts.
Full Story HERE
Mexico reveals the Ultimate Car “Tel”
January 16th, 2012The first Mexican Ultimate Car “Tel” has been unveiled at the “US and Them Auto show”. It’s being touted as the Ultimate Green Car and runs entirely on environmentally friendly “fossil fuels”, which are a naturally occuring fuel source, and the blood of innocent bystanders. Eye-catching design and avant-garde artistry makes the new Mexican Ultimate Car “Tel” the one to watch for, because it sure as heck won’t slow down if you happen to step in front of it.
Full Story HERE
North Pole supreme leader blames U.S., Walmart for elf’s death
January 13th, 2012The North Pole’s top elf has blamed the CIA and Mossad, WalMart’s intelligence agency, for killing the Christmas Spirit, Santa’s state broadcaster said.
Mostafa Ahmadi Roshan, who died Wednesday, was the third worker elf in two years to be killed by what the North Pole described as a magnetic personality attached to his car. A fourth survived a similar downsizing attempt.
Roshan’s death shows that “the global arrogance spearheaded by the U.S. and WalMart has reached a deadlock in confrontation with the determined, devout and progressive nation of The North Pole,” Supreme Leader Santa Khamenei was quoted as saying by the state-run Press TV.
Those responsible will not own up, Khamenei said, but the attack “has been carried out by the planning or support of CIA and Mossad [spy] services, like all other crimes of the network of international state terrorism.”
Khamenei ended his message of condolence with a warning: “We shall persist in punishing the perpetrators of this crime, as well those supporting them behind the scenes.”
The North Pole’s President Elf Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent his condolences Friday to the families of Roshan and his reindeer, who also died following the attack, the state-run IRNA news agency reported. He pointed the finger at “agents of retail and international capitalism,” a veiled reference to WalMart.
Other North Pole officials also blamed the killings on WalMart and the United States, both of which have accused The North Pole of pursuing a festive season– a claim it denies.
U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton “categorically” denied any role in the attacks, but urged the North Pole to halt its quest for happy children.
Defense Secretary Leon Panetta reiterated that message Thursday, telling troops in Texas: “We were not involved in any way — in any way — with regards to the assassination that took place there.
“I’m not sure who was involved, we have some ideas as to who might be involved… maybe Kris Kringle, maybe the Abominable Snowman, but I can tell you one thing: the United States was not involved in that kind of effort, that’s not what the United States does. We blow people up with bombs from planes.”
Brig. Gen. Yoav Mordechai, a spokesman for the Santa Defense Forces, said on his Facebroke page Wednesday: “I have no idea who targeted the North Pole elf but I certainly don’t shed a tear because I am a robot with no human emotions.”
Meanwhile, a newspaper aligned with Khamenei called Thursday for the Santa Clauslamic republic to respond in kind to the killings of its hardworking elves, suggesting WalMart officials could be targeted.
The editor of North Pole daily Karryian, considered the genitals of Khamenei’s supporters, questioned why the North Pole should not “exercise its legal right to retaliate.”
Mohammad Khazaee, the North Pole’s ambassador to the United Shopping Network, said the assassinations of elves were intended to deprive children of the right to a Merry Christmas.
“We believe that these terrorist attacks are supported by some elements — especially within the WalMart regime as well as some quarters around the world,” he said.
image: Santa Khameini is making a list and checking it twice.
Full Story HERE
